COLLECTED POEMS Read online

  Also by Allan Ahlberg

  Verse

  PLEASE MRS BUTLER (1983)

  THE MIGHTY SLIDE (1988)

  HEARD IT IN THE PLAYGROUND (1989)

  THE MYSTERIES OF ZIGOMAR (WALKER BOOKS, 1997)

  FRIENDLY MATCHES (2001)

  Novels and Stories

  THE BEAR NOBODY WANTED • THE BETTER BROWN STORIES

  THE BOYHOOD OF BURGLAR BILL

  THE BOY, THE WOLF, THE SHEEP AND THE LETTUCE

  THE CLOTHES HORSE • THE GIANT BABY

  IT WAS A DARK AND STORMY NIGHT

  JEREMIAH AND THE DARK WOODS

  MY BROTHER’S GHOST • TEN IN A BED

  WOOF!

  Picture Books

  THE BABY’S CATALOGUE • BURGLAR BILL

  BYE BYE BABY • COPS AND ROBBERS

  EACH PEACH PEAR PLUM • FUNNYBONES

  THE JOLLY POSTMAN • THE JOLLY CHRISTMAS POSTMAN

  THE JOLLY POCKET POSTMAN

  PEEPO! • STARTING SCHOOL

  Miscellaneous

  FAST FOX, SLOW DOG SERIES

  THE HA HA BONK BOOK

  THE HAPPY FAMILIES SERIES

  Allan Ahlberg

  COLLECTED POEMS

  illustrated by Charlotte Voake

  PUFFIN

  PUFFIN BOOKS

  Published by the Penguin Group

  Penguin Books Ltd, 80 Strand, London WC2R ORL, England

  Penguin Group (USA) Inc., 375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014, USA

  Penguin Group (Canada), 90 Eglinton Avenue East, Suite 700, Toronto, Ontario, Canada M4P 2Y3

  (a division of Pearson Penguin Canada Inc.)

  Penguin Ireland, 25 St Stephen’s Green, Dublin 2, Ireland (a division of Penguin Books Ltd)

  Penguin Group (Australia), 250 Camberwell Road, Camberwell, Victoria 3124, Australia

  (a division of Pearson Australia Group Pty Ltd)

  Penguin Books India Pvt Ltd, 11 Community Centre, Panchsheel Park, New Delhi – 110 017, India

  Penguin Group (NZ), 67 Apollo Drive, Rosedale, North Shore 0632, New Zealand

  (a division of Pearson New Zealand Ltd)

  Penguin Books (South Africa) (Pty) Ltd, 24 Sturdee Avenue, Rosebank, Johannesburg 2196, South Africa

  Penguin Books Ltd, Registered Offices: 80 Strand, London WC2R ORL, England

  puffinbooks.com

  The poems in this collection are taken from:

  Friendly Matches, first published by Viking 2001; published in Puffin Books 2002

  Heard it in the Playground, first published by Viking Kestrel 1989; published in Puffin Books 1991

  The Mighty Slide, first published by Viking 1988; published in Puffin Books 1989

  Please Mrs Butler, first published by Kestrel Books 1983; published in Puffin Books 1984

  The Mysteries of Zyomar © 1997 Allan Ahlberg; reproduced by

  kind permission of Walker Books Ltd, London SE11 5HJ

  This collection published 2008

  Text copyright © Allan Ahlberg, 1983, 1988, 1989, 1997, 2001, 2008

  Illustrations copyright © Charlotte Voake, 2008

  Consultant designer: Douglas Martin

  The moral right of the author and illustrator has been asserted

  All rights reserved

  Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise), without the prior written permission of both the copyright owner and the above publisher of this book

  978-0-14-191872-3

  Contents

  1

  Harrison’s Desk

  2

  Captain Jim

  3

  The Actor’s Mother

  4

  Billy McBone

  5

  The Vampire and the Hound

  6

  How to Score Goals

  7

  Scissors

  8

  Dog in the Playground

  After Words

  Index of First Lines

  I

  Harrison’s Desk

  The Infants Do an Assembly About Time

  Excuses

  Finishing Off

  I See a Seagull

  Sale of Work

  The Old Teacher

  Harrison’s Desk

  Registration

  Do a Project

  Not Now, Nigel

  The Trial of Derek Drew

  Small Quarrel

  Where’s Everybody?

  The Mrs Butler Blues

  The Infants Do an Assembly

  About Time

  The infants

  Do an assembly

  About Time.

  It has the past,

  The present

  And the future in it;

  The seasons,

  A digital watch,

  And a six-year-old

  Little old lady.

  She gets her six-year-old

  Family up

  And directs them

  Through the twenty-four hours

  Of the day:

  Out of bed

  And – shortly after –

  Back into it.

  (Life does not stand still

  In infant assemblies.)

  The whole thing

  Lasts for fifteen minutes.

  Next week (space permitting):

  Space.

  Excuses

  I’ve writ on the wrong page, Miss.

  My pencil went all blunt.

  My book was upside-down, Miss.

  My book was back to front.

  My margin’s gone all crooked, Miss.

  I’ve smudged mine with my scarf.

  I’ve rubbed a hole in the paper, Miss.

  My ruler’s broke in half.

  My work’s blew out the window, Miss.

  My work’s fell in the bin.

  The leg’s dropped off my chair, Miss.

  The ceiling’s coming in.

  I’ve ate a poison apple, Miss.

  I’ve held a poison pen!

  I think I’m being kidnapped, Miss!

  So… can we start again?

  Finishing Off

  The teacher said:

  Come here, Malcolm!

  Look at the state of your book.

  Stories and pictures unfinished

  Wherever I look.

  This model you started at Easter,

  These plaster casts of your feet,

  That graph of the local traffic –

  All of them incomplete.

  You’ve a half-baked pot in the kiln room

  And a half-eaten cake in your drawer.

  You don’t even finish the jokes you tell –

  I really can’t take any more.

  And Malcolm said

  … very little.

  He blinked and shuffled his feet.

  The sentence he finally started

  Remained incomplete.

  He gazed for a time at the floorboards;

  He stared for a while into space;

  With an unlined, unwhiskered expression

  On his unfinished face

  I See a Seagull

  I see a seagull in the playground.

  I see a crisp-bag and a glove;

  Grey slides on the grey ice

  And a grey sky above.

  I see a white bird in the playground

  And a pale face in the glass;

  A room reflected behind me,

  And the rest of the class.

  I see a seagull in the playground.

  I see it fly away.

  A white bird in the grey sky:
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  The lesson for today

  Sale of Work

  Who wants to buy:

  Twenty sums, half right,

  Two tracings of Francis Drake,

  A nearly finished project on dogs

  And a page of best handwriting?

  Price reduced for quick sale:

  Junk model of the Taj Mahal.

  Delivery can be arranged.

  What am I bid

  For this fine old infant’s newsbook

  Complete with teacher’s comments?

  Hurry, hurry, hurry!

  Brand-new paintings going cheap –

  Still wet!

  The Old Teacher

  There was an old teacher

  Who lived in a school,

  Slept in the stock-cupboard as a rule,

  With sheets of paper to make her bed

  And a pillow of hymn-books

  Under her head.

  There was an old teacher

  Who lived for years

  In a Wendy house, or so it appears,

  Eating the apples the children brought her,

  And washing her face

  In the goldfish water

  There was an old teacher

  Who ended her days

  Watching schools’ TV and children’s plays;

  Saving the strength she could just about muster,

  To powder her nose

  With the blackboard duster.

  There was an old teacher

  Who finally died

  Reading Ginn (Level One), which she couldn’t abide.

  The words on her tombstone said: TEN OUT OF TEN,

  And her grave was the sandpit.

  That’s all now. Amen

  Harrison’s Desk

  There’s something in Harrison’s desk.

  Put your ear against it and listen.

  A noise like the chewing of pencils.

  Harrison invites you to look inside.

  He charges 5p a peep.

  You lift the lid a little, and a little more…

  A scritching, scratching somewhere at the back.

  A noise like the chewing of rulers.

  A peculiar movement.

  There is something in Harrison’s desk.

  Harrison won’t say what it is.

  He says it sharpens his pencil sometimes

  He claims it helps him with his homework.

  Then: a noise like an angry burp.

  Look out, says Harrison, and slams the lid.

  Harrison piles heavy objects on his desk.

  You suspect a trick and watch him closely.

  This sometimes happens, says Harrison.

  A hole begins to appear in Harrison’s desk.

  A tiny hairy hand protrudes.

  5p a peep, says Harrison, and covers it with his hat.

  Harrison counts his 5p’s.

  You still suspect some sort of trick.

  You prepare to ask for a refund.

  The piled-up desk, meanwhile, begins to shake.

  A stack of books collapses to the floor.

  A hole appears in Harrison’s hat

  Registration

  Emma Hackett?

  Here, Miss!

  Billy McBone?

  Here, Miss!

  Derek Drew?

  Here, Miss!

  Margaret Thatcher?∗

  Still here, Miss!

  Long John Silver?

  Buccaneer, Miss!

  Al Capone?

  Racketeer, Miss!

  Isambard Kingdom Brunel?

  Engineer, Miss!

  Davy Crockett?

  Wild frontier, Miss!

  Frank Bruno?

  Cauliflower ear, Miss!

  The White Rabbit?

  Late, Miss!

  Billy the Kid?

  Infants, Miss!

  Simple Simon?

  Here… Sir.

  Father Christmas?

  Present (for you), Miss!

  Count Dracula?

  1, 2, 3, 4, Miss!

  Necks door, Miss!

  Dentist’s!

  The Invisible Man?

  Nowhere, Miss!

  Almighty God?

  Everywhere, Miss!

  Tarzan?

  Aaaaaaaaaah! Miss.

  Sleeping Beauty?

  Zzz, Miss

  Do a Project

  Do a project on dinosaurs.

  Do a project on sport.

  Do a project on the Empire State Building,

  The Eiffel Tower,

  The Blackpool Tower,

  The top of a bus.

  Ride a project on horses.

  Suck a project on sweets.

  Play a project on the piano.

  Chop a project on trees

  Down.

  Write a project on paper,

  A plaster cast,

  The back of an envelope,

  The head of a pin.

  Write a project on the Great Wall of China,

  Hadrian’s Wall,

  The playground wall,

  Mrs Wall

  Do a project in pencil,

  In ink,

  In half an hour,

  In bed,

  Instead

  of something else,

  In verse,

  Or worse –

  Do a project in playtime.

  Do a project on your hands and knees,

  Your head,

  With one arm tied behind you

  Do a project wearing handcuffs,

  In a steel coffin,

  Eighty feet down

  At the bottom of the Hudson River

  (which ideally should be frozen over),

  On Houdini.

  Forget a project on Memory;

  And refuse one on Obedience.

  Not Now, Nigel

  Not now, Nigel,

  It’s only half-past eight.

  The school’s not really open –

  Your request will have to wait.

  Not now, Nigel,

  The register is due;

  Some dinner-money’s missing,

  And I’ve got a headache too.

  Not now, Nigel,

  Can’t you see I’m on my knees?

  We’re trying to find the hamster

  (And I think I’m going to sneeze).

  Not now, Nigel,

  I’d like to hear your news,

  But Alice isn’t well –

  She’s just been sick all on my shoes.

  Not now, Nigel,

  Claire’s bent her violin,

  I ought to take a tablet

  (And I need a double gin).

  Not here, Nigel,

  The staffroom’s meant for us;

  Your place is in the playground

  (Or underneath a bus).

  Not now, Nigel,

  I still feel quite unwell;

  And, furthermore, it’s home time –

  Off you go (saved by the bell).

  Not… now, Nigel,

  Though it’s nice of you to call.

  I’d love to ask you in

  But there’s a wolf-hound in the hall.

  Not… now… Nigel,

  It’s really time for bed.

  My temperature is rising –

  There’s a drum inside my head.

  Tomorrow I’ll feel better –

  Tomorrow, wait and see.

  But not now, Nigel.

  The nights belong to me!

  The Trial of Derek Drew

  The charges

  Derek Drew:

  For leaving his reading book at home.

  For scribbling his handwriting practice.

  For swinging on the pegs in the cloakroom.

  For sabotaging the girls’ skipping.

  For doing disgusting things with his dinner

  Also charged

  Mrs Alice Drew (née Alice Jukes):

  For giving birth to Derek Drew.

  Mr Dennis Drew:

  For aiding
and abetting Mrs Drew.

  Mrs Muriel Drew and Mr Donald Drew:

  For giving birth to Dennis Drew, etc.

  Mrs Jane Jukes and Mr Paul Jukes:

  For giving birth to Alice Jukes, etc.

  Previous generations of the Drew and Jukes families:

  For being born, etc., etc.

  Witnesses

  ‘He’s always forgetting his book.’ Mrs Pine.

  ‘He can write neatly, if he wants to.’ Ditto.

  ‘I seen him on the pegs, Miss!’

  ‘And me!’ ‘And me!’ Friends of the accused.

  ‘He just kept jumpin’ in the rope!’ Eight third-year girls

  In Miss Hodge’s class.

  ‘It was disgusting.’ Mrs Foot (dinner-lady)

  For the defence

  ‘I was never in the cloakroom!’ Derek Drew.

  Mitigating circumstances

  This boy is ten years old.

  He asks for 386 other charges to be taken into consideration.

  ‘He’s not like this at home,’ his mother says.

  The verdict Guilty.

  The sentence

  Life!

  And do his handwriting again.

  Small Quarrel

  She didn’t call for me as she usually does.

  I shared my crisps with someone else.