Please Mrs Butler Read online

Complaint

  The teachers all sit in the staffroom.

  The teachers all drink tea.

  The teachers all smoke cigarettes

  As cosy as can be.

  We have to go out at playtime

  Unless we bring a note

  Or it’s tipping down with rain

  Or we haven’t got a coat.

  We have to go out at playtime

  Whether we like it or not.

  And freeze to death if it’s freezing

  And boil to death if it’s hot.

  The teachers can sit in the staffroom

  And have a cosy chat.

  We have to go out at playtime;

  Where’s the fairness in that?

  Swops

  I’ll give you

  A penny chew

  A plastic whistle

  A pot of glue

  A suck of sherbet

  A small canoe

  A piece of string

  A cockatoo

  A bag of crisps

  And a kangaroo!

  For your Milky Way.

  What do you say?

  No.

  Picking Teams

  When we pick teams in the playground,

  Whatever the game might be,

  There’s always somebody left till last

  And usually it’s me.

  I stand there looking hopeful

  And tapping myself on the chest,

  But the captains pick the others first,

  Starting, of course, with the best.

  Maybe if teams were sometimes picked

  Starting with the worst,

  Once in his life a boy like me

  Could end up being first!

  If I Wasn’t Me

  If I wasn’t me,

  I’d rather be

  Batman or (second choice) Robin.

  I’d come to school

  In the batmobile,

  Friends in the back,

  Me at the wheel.

  The teacher would say, ‘Batman?’

  And I’d say, ‘Here, Miss.’

  If I wasn’t me,

  I’d rather be

  Wonderwoman’s daughter.

  I’d wear a cloak

  With fancy shorts,

  And win every race

  In the school sports.

  The teacher would say, ‘Thanks, Wondergirl!’

  And mum would win the Mothers’ Race.

  I Did a Bad Thing Once

  I did a bad thing once.

  I took this money from my mother’s purse

  For bubble gum.

  What made it worse,

  She bought me some

  For being good, while I’d been vice versa

  So to speak – that made it worser.

  Old Joke

  ‘Look at your hands!’

  The teacher cried.

  ‘Couldn’t be dirtier

  If you tried.

  What would you say

  If mine were like this?’

  ‘We’d be too polite

  To mention it, Miss!’

  The Gang

  1st boy: Who wants to be in my gang?

  2nd boy: Who else have you got?

  1st boy: Well really just me at the moment.

  2nd boy: That’s not a lot.

  2nd boy: Who wants to be in his gang?

  3rd boy: I do – me!

  2nd boy: Right, he’s boss, I’m second-in-command, You’re number three.

  3rd boy: Who wants to be in our gang?

  Line up at the den.

  We’ve got the three leaders already,

  We need a few men.

  1st boy: Who wants to be in their gang?

  Don’t spread it about.

  I’ve stopped being boss of it now.

  They voted me out.

  1st boy: Who wants to be in my gang?

  DINNER TIME

  When I was Young

  When I was young and had no sense,

  I used to lie in a crib.

  I used to sleep for hoursand hours

  And dribble on my bib.

  I had no sense when I was young.

  I sat in a high chair

  And spooned my dinner from the plate

  And threw it everywhere.

  I could not talk when I was young.

  I could not catch a ball.

  I only sucked the books I had,

  I didn’t read at all.

  When I was young and had no sense,

  I used to lie in a crib.

  I used to sleep for hours and hours

  And dribble on my bib.

  Sometimes God

  Sometimes when I’m in trouble,

  Like if Gary Hubble

  And his gang

  Are going to get me and beat me up,

  Or I’m outside Mr Baggot’s door

  Waiting to have the slipper for pour

  Ing paint water in Glenis Parker’s shoe,

  This is what I do:

  I ask for help from God.

  Get me out of this, God,

  I say.

  I’ll behave myself,then –

  Every day.

  Sometimes when I’m really

  Scared, like once when I nearly

  Got bit by this horse,

  Or the other

  Week when Russell Tucker’s brother

  Was going to beat me up

  For throwing Russell Tucker’s PE bag

  On the boiler-house roof, or Roy

  And me got caught in the toi-

  Lets by Mr Bag got turning all the taps on

  And he said,

  I’ve had enough of boys like you,

  This is what I do:

  I ask for help from God.

  Stop this happening, God,

  I say.

  I’ll believe in You then –

  Every day.

  And it works… sometimes.

  It is a Puzzle

  My friend

  Is not my friend anymore.

  She has secrets from me

  And goes about with Tracy Hackett.

  I would

  Like to get her back,

  Only do not want to say so.

  So I pretend

  To have secrets from her

  And go about with Alice Banks.

  But what bothers me is,

  Maybe she is pretending

  And would like me back,

  Only does not want to say so.

  In which case

  Maybe it bothers her

  That I am pretending.

  But if we are both pretending,

  Then really we are friends

  And do not know it.

  On the other hand,

  How can we be friends

  And have secrets from each other

  And go about with other people?

  My friend

  Is not my friend anymore,

  Unless she is pretending.

  I cannot think what to do.

  It is a puzzle.

  Dog in the Playground

  Dog in the playground

  Suddenly there.

  Smile on his face,

  Tail in the air.

  Dog in the playground

  Bit of a fuss:

  I know that dog –

  Lives next to us!

  Dog in the playground:

  Oh, no he don’t.

  He’ll come with me,

  You see if he won’t.

  The word gets round;

  The crowd gets bigger.

  His name’s Bob.

  It ain’t – it’s Trigger.

  They call him Archie!

  They call him Frank!

  Lives by the Fish Shop!

  Lives up the Bank!

  Who told you that?

  Pipe down! Shut up!

  I know that dog

  Since he was a pup.

  Dog in the playground:

  We’ll catch him, Miss. />
  Leave it to us.

  Just watch this!

  Dog in the playground

  What a to-do!

  Thirty-five children,

  Caretaker too,

  Chasing the dog,

  Chasing each other.

  I know that dog –

  He’s our dog’s brother!

  We’ve cornered him now;

  He can’t get away.

  Told you we’d catch him,

  Robert and – Hey!

  Don’t open that door –

  Oh, Glenis, you fool!

  Look, Miss, what’s happened:

  Dog in the school.

  Dog in the classroom,

  Dog in the hall,

  Dog in the toilets –

  He’s paying a call!

  Forty-six children,

  Caretaker too,

  Headmaster, three teachers,

  Hullabaloo!

  Lost him! Can’t find him!

  He’s vanished! And then:

  Look, Miss, he’s back

  In the playground again.

  Shouting and shoving –

  I’ll give you what for! –

  Sixty-five children

  Head for the door.

  Dog in the playground,

  Smile on his face,

  Tail in the air,

  Winning the race.

  Dog in his element

  Off at a jog,

  Out of the gates:

  Wish I was a dog.

  Dog in the playground:

  Couldn’t he run?

  Dog in the playground

  … Gone!

  SCHOOL TIME AGAIN

  Scissors

  Nobody leave the room.

  Everyone listen to me.

  We had ten pairs of scissors

  At half-past two,

  And now there’s only three.

  Seven pairs of scissors

  Disappeared from sight.

  Not one of you leaves

  Till we find them.

  We can stop here all night!

  Scissors don’t lose themselves,

  Melt away or explode.

  Scissors have not got

  Legs of their own

  To go running off up the road.

  We really need those scissors,

  That’s what makes me mad.

  If it was seven pairs

  Of children we’d lost,

  It wouldn’t be so bad.

  I don’t want to hear excuses.

  Don’t anyone speak.

  Just ransack this room

  Till we find them,

  Or we’ll stop here… all week!

  The Cane

  The teacher

  had some thin springy sticks

  for making kites.

  Reminds me

  of the old days, he said;

  and swished one.

  The children

  near his desk laughed nervously,

  and pushed closer.

  A cheeky girl

  held out her cheeky hand.

  Go on, Sir!

  said her friends.

  Give her the stick, she’s always

  playing up!

  The teacher

  paused, then did as he was told.

  Just a tap.

  Oh, Sir!

  We’re going to tell on you,

  The children said.

  Other children

  left their seats and crowded round

  the teacher’s desk.

  Other hands

  went out. Making kites was soon

  forgotten.

  My turn next!

  He’s had one go already!

  That’s not fair!

  Soon the teacher,

  to save himself from the crush,

  called a halt.

  (It was

  either that or use the cane

  for real.)

  Reluctantly,

  the children did as they were told

  and sat down.

  If you behave

  yourselves, the teacher said,

  I’ll cane you later.

  Excuses

  I’ve writ on the wrong page, Miss.

  My pencil went all blunt.

  My book was upside-down, Miss.

  My book was back to front.

  My margin’s gone all crooked, Miss.

  I’ve smudged mine with my scarf.

  I’ve rubbed a hole in the paper,Miss.

  My ruler’s broke in half.

  My work’s blew out the window, Miss.

  My work’s fell in the bin.

  The leg’s dropped off my chair, Miss.

  The ceiling’s coming in.

  I’ve ate a poison apple, Miss.

  I’ve held a poison pen!

  I think I’m being kidnapped, Miss!

  So… can we start again?

  Eating in Class

  Little girl

  Box of paints

  Sucked her brush

  Joined the saints.

  Little boy

  Bubble gum

  Blew himself

  To kingdom come.

  reading test

  tree little milk egg book

  read ing test I took

  school sit frog playing bun

  it was not much fun

  flower road clock train light

  still I got it right

  picture think summer peo…

  popple…

  peep…

  pe…

  p… well, nearly

  Colin

  When you frown at me like that, Colin,

  And wave your arm in the air,

  I know just what you’re going to say:

  ‘Please, Sir, it isn’t fair!’

  It isn’t fair

  On the football field

  If their team scores a goal.

  It isn’t fair

  In a cricket match

  Unless you bat and bowl.

  When you scowl at me that way, Colin,

  And mutter and slam your chair,

  I always know what’s coming next:

  ‘Please, Sir, it isn’t fair!’

  It isn’t fair

  When I give you a job.

  It isn’t fair when I don’t.

  If I keep you in

  It isn’t fair.

  If you’re told to go out, you won’t.

  When heads bow low in assembly

  And the whole school’s saying a prayer,

  I can guess what’s on your mind, Colin:

  ‘Our Father… it isn’t fair!’

  It wasn’t fair

  In the Infants.

  It isn’t fair now.

  It won’t be fair

  At the Comprehensive

  (For first years, anyhow).

  When your life reaches its end, Colin,

  Though I doubt if I’ll be there,

  I can picture the words on the gravestone now.

  They’ll say: IT IS NOT FAIR.

  Only Snow

  Outside, the sky was almost brown.

  The clouds were hanging low.

  Then all of a sudden it happened:

  The air was full of snow.

  The children rushed to the windows.

  The teacher let them go,

  Though she teased them for their foolishness.

  After all, it was only snow.

  It was only snow that was falling,

  Only out of the sky,

  Only on to the turning earth

  Before the blink of an eye.

  What else could it do from up there,

  But fall in the usual way?

  It was only weather, really.

  What else could you say?

  The teacher sat at her desk

  Putting ticks in a little row,

  While the children stared through steamy glass

  At the only snow.

  The Runners

&nbs
p; We’re hopeless at racing,

  Me and my friend.

  I’m slow at the start,

  She’s slow at the end.

  She has the stitch,

  I get sore feet,

  And neither one of us

  Cares to compete.

  But co-operation’s

  A different case.

  You should see us

  In the three-legged race!

  The Ordeal of Robin Hood

  There is a new boy in our class;

  He came the other day.

  He hadn’t any friends, of course,

  So we let him be in our play.

  That was the first mistake we made.

  The play was called ‘Bold Robin Hood’;

  We’d practised it all week.

  The new boy missed rehearsals

  So he had no lines to speak.

  He thought of a few, though, as you will see.

  Besides, this boy was foreign,

  His English wasn’t good.

  He said his name was Janek;

  He’d not heard of Robin Hood.

  Robin Hood didn’t get to Poland, Miss Hodge said.

  Well, first we pushed the desks back

  To make a bigger space.

  Then we hung this curtain up

  For the outlaws’ hiding place.

  Miss Hodge just let us get on with it.

  Kevin Jukes was Robin Hood,

  Roy was Little John,

  I was the Sheriff of Nottingham –

  I had this red cloak on.

  The new boy was one of my guards, supposedly.

  The swords we had were rulers;

  The cupboard, Robin’s den;

  And most of us had moustaches

  Drawn with black felt pen.

  Roy’s was navy blue, but you could hardly tell.

  The rest of the class sat round to watch,

  Miss Hodge was watching too.

  Then Keith announced the title

  And who was playing who.

  Keith was also Friar Tuck with a cushion up his coat.

  At first it all went pretty well,

  Mistakes we made were slight;

  The trouble only started

  When we got to the first fight.

  There should have been three fights altogether; should have been.

  What we’d practised was an ambush

  To rescue Friar Tuck,

  With me and my guards just riding by